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Beyond the Scale: Understanding, Supporting, and Healing from an Eating Disorder
No one should have to face an eating disorder alone. Help is available. If you or someone you know is struggling contact Nova Scotia Eating Disorder Provincial Services or the NEDIC Helpline at 1-866-NEDIC-20 (toll-free) | Live chat: nedic.ca | E-mail: [email protected]
In the summer of 2015, at the age of 16, I weighed 68 pounds. Sixty-eight pounds of pure skin and bone… and yet, to me, this felt normal. It felt right.
I had an image in my head of what a “normal body size” should look like, the number of calories I should consume, and the unrealistic standards I set based on what I saw in the media. This warped perception drove me to want to shrink myself even more, even though I didn’t realize at the time that I was on the brink of a four-year battle with an eating disorder.
My eating disorder wasn’t just about food—it was about control.
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One of my strongest qualities is that I am a very disciplined person. While this trait helped me succeed in many areas of my life, it also made me vulnerable to an eating disorder. I started controlling every aspect of my life—how much food went into my body, how many calories I burned through exercise, what I wore to hide my body, and how I presented myself to the world.
At first, I was able to maintain that control. But what started as a means of control turned into obsession, to the point where I would berate myself for having an “off day” or for allowing myself to enjoy something I loved.
As the years went on, I became more withdrawn. I avoided social gatherings and declined invitations from friends, unable to deal with the pressure of having to come up with excuses for why I wasn’t eating.
Despite being surrounded by people who loved me and only wanted the best for me, I felt incredibly alone. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just eat.
Things changed when I started university. If I wanted to take part in things — I had to confront my feelings about food and about eating. I had to give up total control.
It took time, but things began to shift. Going out to dinner with my roommates turned into a way to connect and feel a sense of self-love I had been missing for so long. And most importantly, knowing that my parents and friends no longer constantly worried about me and my health was the final push I needed to keep going.
Looking back, it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly when or why things started to spiral. I often ask myself, “When did this happen to me?” and “What triggered it?” But in the end, the most important thing is that it happened. It happened to me, and I went through a long, painful journey with an eating disorder. A part of my life I wish I could forget, yet one that will always be with me.
Immediately after recovery, I rejected the idea that I had survived an eating disorder. I avoided the topic, unable to face it head-on. I didn’t want to bring more attention to myself, especially regarding my body. It wasn’t until the COVID pandemic that I realized how many others were struggling with silent battles.
I decided to share my story because I wanted others to know that they were not alone. If one person feels seen or heard from my words, then I know I’ve done my part.
To anyone out there struggling with an eating disorder or any form of mental illness, please hear me when I say that what you’re going through is real but recovery is possible. It’s okay if that choice doesn’t come tomorrow. Recovery isn’t linear, and there is no timeline.
Allow yourself to take the time you need. Know that you are not alone, and that there are people who are cheering for you in the background. Be your own biggest supporter. You’ve already come so far.
If you or someone you love is facing an eating disorder, know that help and treatment are available. If you’re ready to take the first step toward recovery or need support for a loved one, here are some valuable resources: