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Living with Bipolar Disorder

Education is critical to reducing stigma.

To gain insight and better understanding of the experience of living with or experiencing a mental illness, CMHA NS has created this platform for people who live with, have experienced or are impacted by mental illness to share insight, educate the public and inspire hope.

About Bipolor Disorder

In Canada, approximately 1.5 % of the population live with bipolar disorder.

Many of us have heard of it, but not many of us understand what it is.

Bipolar disorder, formerly known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, and ability to function.

Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe, but can be managed with treatment.

Julie is a housing support worker who lives with Schizoaffective Disorder – Bipolar Type.Her responses represent one journey with Schizoaffective Disorder – Bipolar Type.

***To protect the identity of the individual, the pseudonym Julie is used.***

1. How would you describe Schizoaffective Disorder – Bipolar Type?

Perhaps unsurprisingly, it fluctuates depending on where I am at with my mood cycle, life situation, and relationships/peers. But I often say it feels so much like a part of who I am. 

I remember, a long time ago, listening to a podcast created by a man living with Bipolar Disorder Type 1. He led the listener down a rabbit hole of what it means to be “disordered.” He explained if there was a cure-all pill for his mental illness, he was not sure he would take it. 

I identified with that. 

We all want wellness but no one wants to numb themselves and lose the vibrancy that is woven into the fabric of many Schizoaffective/Bipolar persons’ brains. 

You take away my passion? You dim my light? You tame my wildness? Do you lose me in the taking? I don’t know, but I suspect you would.

I often feel like this condition  is a curse and blessing at once. The advice I would give to anyone who lives with any illness  is not to be afraid to see multiple perspectives as you grow.

2. What led to your diagnosis?

I got my diagnosis at the tender age of 20, but I always felt different. I dropped out of university and made just about the most fun/reckless decisions you can imagine. And by the grace of something out there in the universe, my journey was joined by amazing people who didn’t see a manic person – they saw a young woman in crisis, a hurting human – and wanted to help. 

Ironically, my psychosis was brought on by that same recklessness, and the trauma and abuse that stemmed from it. 

3. What are the most common misconceptions about your condition?

The number of harmful stereotypes or ‘psycho archetypes’ out there ought to be the biggest indicator that we still need change and growth in our conversations about mental health. 

People who live with Bipolar Disorder are not more violent than the public at large, statistically speaking. 

Because of this stigma, we face innumerable barriers to wellness and treatment. And, in my experience, just as many of us won’t make it, as those who will. Often this dis(A)bility is invisible. 

4. How did you feel when you got the diagnosis?

I felt like I descended into a lower dimension of suffering. 

I felt lost, confused, hurt, embarrassed. 

“Psychotic Me” felt happy at the time but was definitely upset at the choices I made when the smoke cleared. I had hurt many people I cared about and it pained me to remember it in a first-person voice. I did that? No, I would never! Then I descended into the worst depression of my life. 

5. What led to your recovery?

Research, peer support, personal growth, medication, therapy, holistic health practices, eating healthy, and getting the right amount of sleep. I cannot stress enough how important it is for your mental health to get the right amount of sleep! 

I would also add, though, that it’s a journey. I choose to talk openly about my mental health and my illness but I understand why people find it difficult. There is a lot of misinformation and ignorance out there. 

My experience being open has also brought a lot of good into my life. Often, when I open up, others reach out and share their journey with me. That lifts me up to a positive and motivated place because I want to see change, and to see it in chrysalis before my eyes, humbles and moves me.

6. What sort of treatment have you received or pursued?

Oh, I’ve tried so many types of anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers. 

I’ve been numbed out, bottomed down, and stuck to my bed with the ‘crazy cries,’ (it’s our word – haha) despite taking prescriptions, as prescribed. 

But you know what?  I know this is not what anyone wants to hear but, sadly, if you want consistent care you must be your own best advocate. Ask for help when you need it. If medication isn’t working Insist to your doctor that you need quality of life. 

It took me years to get the right principal medication – almost a decade before a new medication came out and changed my life for the better. 

This brand even had an American class-action lawsuit about its side effects, but it’s still right – FOR ME! 

New medication does come out, and new innovations are being made, better counselling models, TOO. Never stop gathering that information. No matter how you do it, just learn more about your health and therefore yourself and how to care for yourself, too.

7. What resources have helped you navigate our mental health system?

I have to say, I’m very lucky. I have a support group of family and friends, which makes a huge difference in my ability not just to navigate, but the strength to not give up. Because, let me tell you, it’s hard. But if you’re living with an illness or close to someone who lives with an illness and you’re reading this – DON’T GIVE UP. YOU’RE SO WORTH THE WORK! 

Sit down some day on a quiet day and just google whatever symptoms you have, search for medical resources about mental health, and remember, it’s OK to ask for help. Those are the beginning of a recovery process, in my opinion. 

Be open to seeing yourself in various diagnoses and be as honest with yourself as you can, so when you approach a doctor, or first responder, or anyone on the front line, you can have some words or thoughts about your own diagnosis because “knowledge is power.”

8. How do you feel about the treatment that is currently available? What, if anything, do you feel needs to change?

I was involuntarily committed twice in my life. 

It was traumatic for me and my family and loved ones, both times. Why does it have to come to such a low, low, low point for the person facing the symptoms, and the families/friends/caretakers of those individuals.

I once walked into the hospital and, eventually, explained to the head of the Psychiatry Treatment Team at the time that we shouldn’t have to flip tables and have the RCMP called because we don’t have the will to live anymore. 

We need a proactive approach and a wildly more accessible treatment model. Also, why are so many law enforcement personnel handling these situations, like wellness checks, for example? They feel helpless, and so do the clients. We also need more mobile crisis teams in rural communities. 

9. What advice would you give to people who love someone who is struggling with this condition?

10. What advice would you give to someone who lives with Schizoaffective Disorder  – Bipolar Type

Getting treatment from a mental health professional with experience in bipolar disorder can help you manage your symptoms and your life. There is hope and there is help.

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